When you're in this business, it's like you're in one big, giant cage for eternity.

You try escaping, but there's always someone standing in your way, keeping you at bay and threatening you with some new dastardly promise.

I could never forget the day I won the ICWF World Heavyweight title. It was about two years after I'd won the OCW heavyweight title. I'd been through a lot. Like the day I walked down the aisle, dressed in the finest tux on the market, in the glorious white chapel with hundreds of friends and family members fixated on me, and then on my bride-to-be as she slowly walked the aisle.

So many mixed emotions spun in my head. As president of OCW, I'd seen the company come to a climax. We were blowing the roof off each and every arena we visited. Fans couldn't get enough. We had a roster bursting out our own doors. Ratings. Money. Fame. It was all there. And finally, I would complete everything I'd hoped for.

I felt those butterflies as Ashley neared where I stood. I smiled. I don't remember it, but every time I watch the home video, I see it. It would be the last one I would show for a long time.

Her footsteps stopped. All was quiet. Somehow, I hadn't thrown up, much to my own surprise. I could see the faint outline of her face through the misty veil. Over the silence, her breathing began to grow heavier, and I heard a sniffle.

I took a step forward in her direction, now concerned that something was wrong. But she wasn't sick. She was done. She was finished. She was too young.

Humiliation never touched me. It didn't cross my mind to be humiliated. I bolted down the aisle after her, and I remember the murmur of the audience as I crashed through the large, mahogany doors and into the narthex. She was gone.

I was caged, Ray. No battle in the ring could even begin to compare to that moment of emptiness. You've never felt defeat until you've experienced such a climax, only to be utterly destroyed by such devastation.

I'm still amazed I stand here today, the NLW Champion for the second time. Back then, I would have sworn I'd crawl into a dark cave and die. Yet here I am, ready for the ultimate defense. The defense against you, Ray.

My life spun into - well, the only word that can even begin to describe it is chaos. I put zero thought into OCW. Politics, which I'd worked so hard to eliminate from the company, snuck back in like the weasel it is. People stabbed me in the back. I stabbed people in the back. Financially, we crumbled. I stepped out and left the country.

What happened then is no secret. I found solace in a new career with the FBI, but fate intermingled with it, and would put me back on that path to professional wrestling. This time, it was ICWF. And as if fate had some sick, twisted sense of humor, it combined my two words into one that night I was set to face Killa Kali for the gold.

The card was properly billed. Deadly Revenge. It went beyond the superficial for me. I was getting back at the world, the world that had chewed me up and spat me back out like another piece of trash. I wouldn't go down so easy.

June 6, 2004. It was half a day away from showtime, but working the ring to get the rust out was always important to me. Much more so on such an important day. Did I think I had a chance in hell? I don't remember. Probably not.

My cell phone rang. As I made way out of the hotel lobby and into a tax, I flipped it open. It was the agency's phone. If anyone had the number, I knew them and needed to talk to them. Or, so I thought.

It was her. I couldn't speak. I never thought I would hear it again, and now that I had, I wasn't sure I wanted to. Anger, frustration, guilt, emptiness - they all hit me at once. And that was followed by a conversation I never would wish on anyone else, at least not by phone. He was about five months old, and he had my DNA. They were living in California. She was outright honest. She was broke, and needed money.

And I needed time to gather my thoughts. I took her number. Now, I wish I'd packed up and gone straight to her for the answers, for the story, for my son. But I didn't. I chickened out. I let pride come before others. I was selfish. I wanted something I could be proud of. I thought I'd find that it the ICWF World title.

I won it. Funny thing is, I'd never felt more empty. It was just a piece of leather covered in gold.

I've done that two more times since that day. Sure, I was successful in ICWF. I went on to unify the world title with the lightweight title, only to see the fed close. And I picked up again here in NLW thinking eventually that void would be filled.

And again, the funny thing is, even holding the belt now, I often wonder if it's what I really want. So I step up to defend it this week. The side of me I want everyone to see is the side that is so lonely, and so exhausted at the root of my soul. And that's the side that needs to pull through with victory. That's the part of me that wants to hang you, Mr. Lopes, to crush your skull beneath the steel sidings of the cage.

My life is at a crossroads. Will I win, will I lose? Is winning this match really winning? Is losing really losing? Do I even give a fuck any more what happens? It appears Cheech and Chong are driving this vessel and I'm trapped on board. I'm no longer sure I have any say in what happens in my own life. Not when it comes to this thing called NLW.

IT WAS FRIDAY, OCT. 9
MY WATCH SHOWED 10 A.M.
LOCATION? BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA
MY MOOD: UNSURE

Josh Allen had never been a fan of the sand, tall, skinny trees, or vineyards. But it was a change of scenery, and one he knew might be good for him for the moment.

Yet he wasn't in California for a good time. He pulled his beat-up rental car alongside the curb of a ratty looking neighborhood and forced the gear shift into park. The car sputtered and shook as it sat there, and he finally killed the engine and cracked his window. He looked at the paper he'd written the address on, and looked down the street. He took the keys from the ignition and pulled the door handle open.

'Just suck it up,' he told himself. It came out slightly louder than a whisper, and he noticed he not only had goosebumps as he walked toward the house, but he was also shaking and felt light-headed.

It had been a few years since he'd last seen Aadan. It was fall of 2006, he remembered. He'd begged Ash to let him spend the day with the tot. He'd offered to pay for anything, and more. As he hugged his boy at the baseball game, he remembered how it felt when Ashley had packed up and moved away over night. It had been an ongoing battle of custody, and with everything so crazy, Josh had decided Aadan didn't deserve the chaos he and Ashley had forced on him. He gave up, agreeing with himself that he would always look for and hope for a way to get back into the boy's life.

He wondered if this was it, as he approached the door. He would be more than seven years old now. Would he still have that light-brown hair? Still have those green eyes? Would he know who was knocking at the door, or run thinking it was another stranger.

He forced his finger onto the make-shift doorbell. He heard the chime echo throughout the run-down house, and a few seconds later, footsteps on the hollow floor.

'Take a breath,' he muttered to himself.

The doorknob turned and swung open quickly. Ashley, still looking as beautiful as she had when Josh had fallen in love with her, smiled and wrapped her arms around him. He was uncomfortable, and returned only a slight movement.

'It's not what I expected when I moved out here,' she said, noting the house that looked centuries old. 'But that's what happens when you're broke... '

'I sent money, and you returned it,' Allen butted in. He stepped inside the house and looked around. 'I offered you anything I could give for the past five years and you shut me out and left me sick and worried. It's like you took that part of my life and erased it.'

She laughed, but Josh didn't find it amusing in the least. She walked through the house, and Josh followed.

'I knew if you sent money, you'd want something in return,' she said.

He grunted.

'Yeah, like the ability to see my son once in a blue moon? How stupid of me to wish for such a thing,' he said. 'What made you change your mind? Why did you invite me back out here? Change of heart? I have nothing new to offer you.'

She sat down on small couch and invited him to have a seat in a nearby chair.

'I didn't change my mind,' she said.

He looked puzzled.

'Then why the hell am I here? And where's Aadan? I'd at least like to tell him I love him, since I'm out here,' he said.

'You think he'll believe you?'

That pissed Allen off more than he could remember being pissed off in years. He stood and raised his voice.

'I'd tell him that every day, time and time again, if you'd let me!' he yelled. 'What the fuck happened to you? I fell in love with someone completely different. And it's like it changed overnight. We were five minutes from our vows, you bolt, you never explain yourself, and ... what the hell do you want from me? I'm tired! I'm exhausted, and I'm done trying to prove myself!'

She stood and crossed her arms.

'Well, say something? I have a plane to catch in three hours to take me back to OKC, which means I have no time to waste. You asked me here for a reason, so come on out with it! Where's Aadan?'

Ashley pointed out the back door.

'He's in the sandbox, probably. But, before you go out there, you really need to hear me out,' she said.

Allen nodded and sat back down. He wasn't aware that his fingers were twiddling, or that his foot was tapping. He was too anxious to see his boy.

'I know how everything turned out isn't the life you wanted,' she said. 'And it's not the life I wanted either. I'm not lying. You know I've lied to you over and over, so I need to tell you the biggest one I've told. I want to make things right. Everything else is out in the open.'

Josh sighed. Training at the FBI, training at the gym - nothing could prepare him for this agony.

'We - well, I - found out about two years ago that you're not Aadan's real father.'

Josh felt his world collapsing, but also thought she was lying to see if she could drive him over the edge.

'... ' He started to speak but couldn't. He clinched his fist.

'Bullshit,' he finally muttered. 'Where is he? I'm going to see him.'

He stood again and brushed past Ashley.

'I have the test results, Josh! That's why I have to tell you,' she said. 'I could have gone my lifetime letting you think you were his biological dad, but something else happened. There was this guy. He and I were kind of close. He knew all of the troubles I was having with my commitment to you, and ... things happened. I never would have thought anything about it, except that he tracked me down about two years ago and sued me for a DNA test.'

Allen spun around.

'Fucking liar!' he said. 'You leave me at the altar, you five months after he's born, out of the blue, and tell me I have a fucking son, and you let me fall in love with a boy who looks just like you and I. Now you want me to buy this piece of trash?'

Ashley had walked to a nearby hutch and yanked a package from its shelf. She ripped it open and threw the papers at Josh.

'Wake up and quit living in your dreamworld, Josh!' she said. 'They tested him, and it came back a positive match for Dillon.'

Josh looked through the papers quickly, fully aware that the documents were likely real.

'Dillon? That's his name?'

Tears were rushing down Josh's face. He fought to keep a calm demeanor, but it wasn't happening.

'The test results are 98.8 percent accurate,' she said. 'It's not what I wanted. You have to believe me.'

The backdoor swung open and in ran Aadan. He got about halfway across the room before he noticed Josh and Ashley. He stopped and stared at Allen, then at his mom, and back to Josh.

'Hey, bud,' Josh finally managed. He used his sleeve to wipe away the water on his face, and cleared his throat. 'I've missed you. How are you?'

Aadan grinned.

'OK.'

He walked over to his mom, and Ashley put her arm around him. A knocking at the front door startled all three of them. Ashley and Aadan walked to the door, and Josh followed behind, again trying to clear his face off and calm down. Ashley pulled the door open and a uniformed police officer nodded.

'What's this?' Josh asked.

Ashley turned to him and shrugged, holding Aadan closer.

'I wasn't sure how you'd react, so I asked them drive by and make sure you left,' she said.

Allen was dumbfounded.

'That's it? Are you serious?'

She again shrugged her shoulders.

'I have nothing else to offer you. Aadan, give Josh a hug and tell him you love him.'

Josh walked toward the door and crouched down in front of Aadan. He had to wipe more tears away as he stared into the little boy's eyes. Josh was the first to speak.

'I have loved you since the day I knew you existed,' he muttered. 'Just always remember that. And you can call me or come see me anytime your mom will let you.'

Ashley cleared her throat rather loudly. Aadan threw his arms around Josh's body and squeezed tight.

'You're leaving again?'

Josh shook his head yes, but he couldn't speak. He held tight until Aadan let go, backed away, looked at Ashley and ran off to a bedroom. Josh stood and glared at Ashley. She looked to the floor and motioned outside. The officer nodded at Josh and put his hand on Allen's shoulder, as if he felt sorry for him. Allen brushed it off and stormed outside.

And he wondered if he could ever smile again.